No one gets married so that they can be unhappy. Everyone probably wants a happy, stress free and trusting relationship with their spouse. So how come people settle for mediocre marriages?
“Out there” stories abound about how hard marriage is, and how many divorces there are and how many married people are being unfaithful and how many couples are killing each other ….
So, many of us decide to settle, and settle for a lot less. As one client recently told me, “He comes home, provides for the children, doesn’t beat me, I should be grateful, right?”
A mediocre marriage is a disappointing marriage; it’s one where pain and loneliness are the realities of the day. It makes you feel like a second class citizen, who should be grateful for having what they have. No one deserves to be in a mediocre marriage.
Yet every day, people settle for mediocre marriages….
Here are 7 ways to know you have settled into a mediocre marriage;
- Nothing to talk about. Whenever you are alone with your spouse you have nothing to talk about. Or even argue about. This shows you are no longer connecting as individuals. As much as silence may be a good thing from time to time, having nothing to say to each other as a married couple just shows that one is in a mediocre marriage.
- Passive aggressive behavior. This can range from a simple dishonest, “I’m fine,” followed by a period of pouting and unpleasant behavior e.g. slamming cabinets and drawers, to silent treatment, to withholding intimacy or completely being emotionally unavailable. The spouse withdraws especially during conflict, disconnecting from responsibility therefore leaving their partner to deal with the issues alone.
- You are not a priority. Your spouse doesn’t make time for you, they make and change their plans without informing you, they don’t seem to care about any promises they make to you. If they have to do something you have initiated, it’s with a lot of pushing and complaining.
- You have sex less than 2 times a month. This is a big one. If there is no sex then you know your relationship is really mediocre. Especially of there is a lack of visible physical affection — like kissing or hugging.
- You fantasize about another partner. Our imagination is powerful and what we feed it grows. You know things are bad when you start thinking of being with someone else or you imagine a happier future without your current partner. This is a sign of emotional detachment, a way of convincing yourself that you don’t really care anymore, so that should separation occur the pain is less. You have started disengaging from your marriage.
- Friends are more important. Spending time with friends and going out of ones way to help friends becomes a routine. When you have important news to share you call your friends. When important things happen to you, your friends are the first to know. They even know more about your marriage than your partner.
- Secrets and lack of accountability. There are things that your partner actively keeps away from you (or you actively keep away from your partner). Aspects of their past, maybe their friends, how they spend their money, who they spend time with. This may lead to feelings of “could they be having an affair????”
This list is not completely exhaustive but it gives you a place to start and check if you have settled for a mediocre marriage.
I believe that if you are going to be in a marriage for the rest of your life, then it had better not be a mediocre marriage. Every married person deserves a happy fulfilling and productive marriage. And having such a marriage is a lot easier than many people think.
The question is do you want one? www.mshauri.co.ke