Recently I did a small survey on what stops couples from being happy in their marriages.
From the feedback the biggest challenge that most married couples have that hinders them from being happy in marriage is communication (see below)
Issues that stop couples from being happy in marriage
Many problems in marriage have been linked to poor or lack of communication. When life happens as it usually does, and the two people in marriage start communicating “badly”, it can seem that its one against the other. This has the potential to degenerate and damage the marriage sometimes permanently.
As a student is psychology school, I was taught that “The meaning of communication is the response you get.” That is if you intended to say one thing and the response you get is something else, then you did not communicate effectively. In marriage this is very common and could arise from many things, stress, expectations, time of the month, etc.
One thing I always urge all people in marriage to keep in mind is that they are a team and should work towards a common goal. Even when they are arguing, the arguments should somehow move the couple towards this common goal.
No one is born a good communicator. Communication is a skill we learn, and we can always improve this skill. If one of the issues in your marriage is lack or poor communication, if you feel you are not being understood, if your discussions always tend to turn into arguments, then the our course on relational skills for married couples may be of value to you.
In the meantime here are some suggestions you could try to improve your communication in your marriage
- Give goodwill. It is sometimes important to keep in mind that your spouse is with you because they actually want to be with you. So when they speak or respond to something you have said, they actually want at some level to continue being with you. What comes out of their mouth may not always convey this. The words may be demeaning or even hurtful. By holding on to the fact that they don’t want to intentionally hurt you on purpose, and that they are hoping to have a future with you, may to some extent influence the way you respond. Be willing to give them the benefit of doubt
- Establish the result you want. Even before you begin speaking you need to focus on what you intend to get by communication at that time. By focusing on the intention, the brain will then form the words that will support you to get what it is you wanted. This works if you are speaking first or if you responding to something said.
- Check if your communication is getting you the results you want. Once you have some feedback, you can quickly adjust the way you are communicating to ensure you get the right response. You can change the tone, your body posture, or even the words themselves. The key thing is to know that you can influence the outcome by making small changes and keeping in mind the intended result.
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Francis Kathambana Coach for Winning Couples